If you’re perpetually single like myself, you’ve inevitably
experienced the anguish and frustration of suffering through your friends’
relationships. Most of us never express this dissatisfaction, lest be we branded
jealous, unsupportive, or – that scarlet letter of single shaming – bitter. But
frankly, if we’re bitter, then they made us this way. The fact is, there are a
myriad of perfectly valid reasons to resent couples, and it is a symptom of our
culture’s obsessive desire to pathologize singles that our legitimate
complaints are dismissed as personal failings. Well, no more! In honor of
Valentine’s Day, also known as that completely gratuitous holiday when couples
delude themselves into thinking that they aren’t routinely celebrated every
single moment of every single day, I vow to expose those truly annoying
tendencies of the romantically entwined. Call it my valentine to all the single
ladies (and gents) who deserve better than an anthem performed by a married
lady.
#1: They Think They’re Cute: Couples, especially those in
their infancy, are positively obsessed with their own adorableness. They’ll make
you assess the cuteness of the second-grade-quality art projects they exchanged
on their three-weekiversary (only acceptable answer: “the most cute”). You’ll be expected to repress your gag
reflex and delightedly exclaim “Aww!” every time they drool lovingly on each
other’s faces. And, worst of all, you’ll wear out your fake-smile muscles as
you suffer through countless hilarious tales about how you’ll never believe it,
but their boyfriend puts pepper on EVERYTHING and isn’t that so weird and funny
and beyond super-cute. And don’t even get me started on that facebook album of kissing
selfies… Uh oh, here comes that gag reflex again.
#2: They’re Shameless: Those overwhelming feelings of love
and affection must short circuit the part of the brain that understands social
decorum, because couples will literally do whatever they feel like doing right in front of your face. They will
start making out halfway through your story about your dying grandmother. They
will whisper and giggle and paw at each other’s genitals on public
transportation. They will even scream at each other for never doing the dishes
while you try in vain enjoy your mojito. Couples don’t care. They’re like that
honey badger everyone loves so much, minus the “everyone loves so much” part.
#3: They Drank the Kool-Aid: Remember when your friend was
single, and together you used to call BS on all those trite, Hallmark-inspired
platitudes beloved by brain-dead simpletons? Well, this is Invasion of the
Single Snatchers, and your formerly discerning friend has been replaced by a
lovebot who says smug, self-congratulatory things like “Don’t worry, it will
happen eventually. Just when you least expect it.” Is your friend referring to
love, or when you push him out of this moving vehicle?
#4: They Come as a Set: Quality time isn’t important to you
in a friendship, is it? Good, because every invitation you offer your friend is
now automatically extended to that oh-so-significant other. You won’t be warned
in advance, so just assume that he’ll start showing up to your long-standing,
once-private brunch dates. Don’t question it, either, because clearly this should just be ok and if it
isn’t then you must hate her boyfriend and she simply can’t be friends with
someone who doesn’t support her. To help you adjust your expectations,
simply imagine your ideal bonding experience – whether it be over cocktails in
Hackney or ice cream at home – and then add an awkward, uncommunicative blob
grunting in the corner. Kind of like a gorilla who flings humorless non sequitors
instead of feces. Basically, kiss those tearful heart-to-hearts goodbye, unless
crying in front of strangers is something you’re into (in which case you ought
to consider a reality tv career).
#5: They Won’t Make Time for You, But You Must Make Time for
Them: Despite the fact that your friend will clearly indicate to you that he has
a lot less time because he is in a relationship now and thus can’t be bothered
with trivial matters like your feelings, you are nonetheless expected to
function as a 24-hour crisis hotline during their times of turbulence. You must
listen patiently while your friend describes what any textbook would term
emotional abuse without ever mentioning the fact that your friend seems unhappy.
Instead, you must offer disingenuous sentiments like “I’m sure it’s just a
rough patch”, and then pretend not to hate the SOB when your friend patches
things up with the cretin and returns to his lobotomy-like state of coupled
bliss. At which point you may NOT reasonably expect the same availability
because they are going to sleep early tonight and under no circumstances can
you call any later than 9 PM because they’re going on a nature walk tomorrow so
they really can’t afford to be tired.
#6: They Can’t Be Trusted: You know that extremely personal
story you shared with your best friend under the strictest of confidence? Well,
She told her partner. Because, you see, they share a soul so it doesn’t really
count as telling. Don’t bother trying to get confirmation; people in couples
are proven liars. While you may never know if she used it to fill a
relationship-threatening 10-second silence or just blurted it out in the throes
of sexual ecstasy, you can nonetheless be sure that nothing is sacred anymore.
Remember, couples share everything, including the intimate details of YOUR
personal life. That embarrassing one-night stand you had with that guy who went
to clown college? He knows about it. And yes, he IS judging you, no matter how
much your formerly trustworthy friend tries to convince you otherwise.
#7: They Take Up Too Much Space: What is it about coupledom
that makes people believe they’re entitled to the entire sidewalk? London is
crowded enough as it is without having to make room for the extra two feet
couples feel they require to hold hands properly. Couples also seem to think
they’re exempt from the darting and dodging us single folk must engage in just
to navigate the streets. Next time you see this happening, I recommend the
following strategy: walk directly at the couple’s linked hands like you’re
playing Red Rover. See if that gives them the motivation necessary to get out
of YOUR way for once.
I’ll conclude by stating that not all couples exhibit these
bad habits. Some people actually manage to remain remarkably human during and
after an extended coupling episode. As for the rest of you out there…Happy Valentine’s
Day. We can’t wait to hear all about it.
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